I don’t know about you, but I’m stockpiling food, water, cash and libation. You see, I plan to hole up at home for the several days surrounding the popularly perceived millennial date of Jan. 1, 2000, that’s looming on our calendarial horizon.

Not because I think there will be a massive failure of the world’s computers ending life as we know it; not because I subscribe to apocalyptic hysteria that posits Armageddon will occur; nor because I fear being abducted by aliens from comet Nutt-Case.

No, I am taking this action because I’m a die-hard cynic. I’m afraid a group of religious zealots will do something really stupid — if there is no Apocalypse, they may initiate an Armageddon of their own. Or defiant malcontents may use the event as an excuse to go on a rebellious rampage.

Mind you, the stockpiling is just a precaution. I’m hopeful that the date will be more hype than substance and historically about as memorable as Warren G. Harding’s presidency.

I Just Don’t Get It
But what bothers me most — call me naive — is that when it comes to Millennium Fever, I just don’t get it. Maybe you can help me. The Y2K debacle aside, why the fascination — or horror — with the start of a new millennium? It’s about as portentous as the beginning of new television season.

On the one hand, we have people who plan to party hearty, using the millennial date of Jan. 1, 2000, as an excuse to participate in one of the great blowouts of all time. One the other hand, we have millennialists and religious nut cases who think (a) the world will end, (b) a new world order of peace and harmony will miraculously come to pass, (c) God's chosen few will be safely plucked from remote mountain tops by aliens in flying saucers, or (d) all the above.

Of course, common sense has little in common with human intellect. Maybe I should consult Dr. “I am my kids’ nude Mom” Laura and take masochistic solace in her caustic cogitations on the matter.

You may recall that the first millennium,despite dire predictions of doom and gloom, passed without so much as a hiccup in the basic world order. (Unless you’re a Brit and want to stretch things to insist that William the Conqueror’s hike through Hastings in 1066 had something to do with it.) Most folks will celebrate (or cower in fear of) the wrong date anyway. If you accept the calendar most of us use, the true millennial marker is 2001, not 2000.

Third Millennium: 2001
I know I’m in a minority in this, but I feel obligated to pick up where the late Los Angeles Times columnist Jack Smith left off. He began haranguing about this more than a decade ago. The date is 2001. The math is not difficult, unless you’re a victim of New Math.

I blame it on computers, which begin counting at zero. But humans, particularly when it comes to calendars, begin counting at one. Add 2000 to the year 1 and you get what? 2001.

Millennium Math If you're unconvinced that 2001 is the first year of the Third Millennium, here's an exercise you can use to figure it out. Hold out your hands and count the appendages, representing one year each. Assuming you have 10, it’s equivalent to one decade. Now, count your toes, 11 through 20. You now have two decades. Year 10 is the final year of the first decade; 11 is the first year of the second decade; and 20 is the final year of the second decade. Next, insert a couple zeros into these numbers to obtain the years 1000, 1001 and 2000, turning the decades into millennia. This makes 2000 the final year of the Second Millennium and, thus, 2001 is the first year of the Third Millennium

Therefore, the year 2000 is the final year of the Second Millennium and 2001 is the first year of the Third Millennium. This makes date 01/01/01 the first day of the Third Millennium, not 01/01/00, as most folks seem to believe. If you continue to insist Jan. 1, 2000, is the date, you're just looking for an excuse to party a year early.

The Pope has resolved this dilemma by declaring 2000 as the Year of the Great Jubilee, cause for an entire year’s celebration. Maybe it’ll win the Catholic Church new converts. After all, it’s all about marketing. Better yet, there’s a group of ultra-orthodox Christians that recognizes a 33-year millennial period — 2000-2033. Whoa! Imagine the hangover after that celebration.

Dark Side of the Millennium
Of course, it’s easy to poke fun at Millennium Madness. Yet, there truly is a dark side. Look what happened in Iran in 1979, a millennial year for Muslims. The Ayatollah Khamenei and his fundamentalist followers believed there would be an apocalyptic event. They almost created one: Recall the overthrow of the Shah, the hostage crisis, and the resulting global tension. A group of canonical Christians may display equally outrageous behavior. Witness the Concerned Christians moving to Jerusalem and the fear of
intersectual violence at the Mount of Olives.

As I said, I don’t believe there will be any dramatic disruption of our lives here in sedate SoCal. But I’m hedging my bet against the outside chance that Millennium Madness will have a feverish grip on some nutter from the lunatic fringe who decides to pull a Timothy McVeigh and blow up the local power plant or something equally inconvenient.

Hence, the stockpiling of food, water, etc. Come to think of it, though, having all these supplies on hand ought to be a great excuse to party on Jan. 1, 2000. In fact, come on by and help me reduce this silly stockpile so I can get my car back in the garage. And if there is an electrical outage and there’s no television service, we’ll just go outside to play a little football ourselves — the Millennium Bowl.

— RP