Minnesota, Maine provide bright spots on dismal political canvass

Jesse Ventura,   Minnesota governor-elect.

I’m thinking of burning my voter registration card in disgust over the current state of politics. Election ’98 would have been laughable if hadn’t been so lamentable.

The rudderless Republicans — borrowing Click and Clack’s campaign slogan, “Unencumbered by the thought process” — shot themselves in their collective feet as they fell over one another in their headlong rush to lynch Slick Willie (They called Reagan the Teflon President, but he can’t hold a candle to Clinton). Newt “Gingrinch” went from lyncher to lynchee.

The dissolute Democrats, smelling blood other than their own for the first time in months, moved in for the kill, hitting well below the belt and slinging the most mud in recent memory. In California, the shameless, self-anointed-savior-of-liberal-causes Barbara Boxer was the worst. Regrettably, the Republicans, if they have any sense, will adopt the page from the Dems’ play book.

Wrestling Over the Candidates
The bright spot of the election for me was Jesse “The Mind née The Body” Ventura winning the governorship in Minnesota. Take that, you Republocrats! (I’m thinking of moving there. My kind of people.)

Now, imagine this: President Jesse Ventura. Don't laugh too quickly. It could happen. He may get my vote.

Topless Lawn Mowing
Oh, yes. The other bright spot was the overwhelming rejection of a petition in Newport, Maine (which re-elected its independent governor), to ban women from mowing the lawn topless. (I'm thinking of moving there, too. I hear this topless lawn mowing is a real problem and I feel it is my duty to keep abreast of such controversial issues so I can report them to you.)

The petition was in response to a specific woman’s brazen behavior, which offended a Nimby across the street. The nature lover said she did it to avoid getting tan lines.

It’s curious that this was such a big deal that it made it to the ballot at all. (In any given year, you could probably count on one hand the number of times the weather in Maine would be conducive to mowing the lawn in a state of undress. Yet, maybe I’m wrong. Maine’s harsh winter climate no doubt begets a hardy breed. Perhaps there are women who relish mowing the lawn topless year-round in that winter wonderland. If they do, I’m sure it has all the guys belting out a chorus of “Swinging in the Rain . . .”.

Award Winners
The Moronic Voters of the Year Award goes to all those Californians who voted against Proposition 3, which would have changed the state’s recently enacted open primary law to exempt the presidential primaries.

I was stunned. I figured a no-vote was a no-brainer.

Consequently, unless the parties change their policies (which they have no plans to do), Californians will participate only in a non-binding, symbolic vote in the 2000 presidential primary. I.e., it will be a moot election. It will have no more bearing on who get nominated as presidential candidates than a straw poll at a local high school. The selections will be made behind closed doors by delegates, who will have no legal obligation to honor the will of the voters.

Luddites in Action
Meanwhile, here in San Diego, we were forced to wait several days before knowing the outcome of several tight contests. It’s ironic that in this Information Age of speed-of-light computer networks and the Internet that it still takes a week to count the ballots. I thought that was a problem left behind at the turn of the last century.

— RP